Snape's Potion Lessons
by J.K Singaporeans
Summary: You are Harry Potter stepping into Snape's potions class. UPDATED! NEW Dumbledore fights Snape over his love interest Mcgonagall in a duel to the finish resulting in an unexpected end, a very delighted Snape and a VERY GREEN Umbridge!
1. Potions Lesson No 1

UPDATED! - Yeah I've just updated with a new more interesting chapter which is Potions Lesson No. 3. If you wanna skip chapter one and go right ahead, it's fine by me. Though you'd have to read chapter 2 to get some of the story in chapter 3.

A/N: This is taken from a potions class website I used to do for a Harry Potter guild. Its not exactly a fanfiction but I'm dedicating this to Karen. (Happy National Day!) Million, I mean billion thanks to fanfactor for reviewing our story and hybridphoenix for listing us on his favourite authors list. We were getting a bit discouraged and Karen nearly gave up. Sorry to keep you waiting, I promise we'll finish Chapter 2 of SARS Nightmare but Karen is a typist of a sloth. Owing to another factor that the story nearly didn't make it, if you know what I mean. Don't worry, though I've nagged Karen about the umpteenth time this week, I'm just about to pop round her house – "Karen, its 2 months and you're STILL WORKING ON IT?!" Geez, she still has this silly notion that no one's reading it. I'll break the good news then, just cross your fingers and hope this better be good.

Potions Lesson No.1

'You! Yes you boy!! What's your name?!'(Writes down name)

'Ah, yes…Harry Potter. Our new – _celebrity_.' The whole class tittered.

'Well hurry up & settle down!' he barked. You were late for potions. (Shame on you!) Blushing, you drew up a seat at a table.

'I'm Professor Severus Snape & I'll be your potions master for the next 6 years of your miserable life…'

'You are here to learn the subtle science & exact art of potion-making. As there is little foolish wand-waving here, many of you will hardly believe this is magic. I don't expect you will really understand the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes, the delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses… I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death – if you aren't as big a bunch of **dunderheads **as I usually have to teach.'

'Well, what are you waiting for? Get out your cauldrons.' A great scraping sound roused as everyone scrambled to unpack their potion supplies & equipment.

'Today, we will be learning how to mix up a simple potion to cure boils…' he said, sweeping around in his long black cloak, 'Here is what you need as follows:

Dried Nettles, a pound

Two Snake Fangs, crushed

Two pounds of horned slugs

A handful of porcupine quills

And three scoops of minuscule glittery-black beetles.'

'First, add in the dried nettles and crushed snake fangs. Stir till they're a smooth liquid, then remove it & put it aside in a bowl. Next, stew your horn slugs, stirring it in a clock-wise manner till they're cooked. Then add in the liquid & stir for 10 minutes. After that, take your cauldron off the fire & then add the porcupine quills. Let it simmer over the fire for another 10 minutes then dump in the beetles for a finishing touch', he said & added, '& I suppose you don't need me to teach you how to weigh & crush – a simple thing that even idiots can do.'

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'& now, for your homework,' Snape's eyes glittered dangerously, 'As all of you are just starting out on potions, your homework will be rather "simple".'

He fished out a small crystal bottle of a completely clear potion from inside his black robes. 'This is _Veritaserum_,' he announced to the class.

'Write an essay of at least 50 words on what Veritaserum is, the effects of it once taken & why we can't use it as much as we like.'

'30 points will be awarded if you do your homework, however…' an evil grin flashed across his face, '…house points will be deducted if the answers you give are incorrect…'

'& as for those of you who do not do your homework, you may very well find that my hand _slips_ –' he shook the crystal bottle slightly, '- right over your evening pumpkin juice. And then… then we'll find out why you didn't do your homework.'

'Send your owl to me with your assignment no later than 31st Jan. Our next class will be on the 14th Feb. And be punctual –,' his fathomless eyes flashed in your direction.

'Class dismissed.'

Ans: Veritaserum or Truth Potion, is a powerful potion that taking just three drops of it would have you spilling your innermost secrets, the truth to anyone who asks. The use of this potion is controlled by very strict Ministry guidelines however, so we have to obtain proper permission in order to use it.


	2. Potions Lesson No 2

Valentines Day

"Lockhart, wearing lurid pink robes to match the decorations, was waving for silence. The teachers on either side of him were looking stony-faced.... Harry could see a muscle going in Professor McGonagall's cheek. Snape looked as though someone had just fed him a large beaker of Skele-Gro.... Lockhart beamed... 'I'm sure my colleagues will want to enter into the spirit of the occasion! Why not ask Professor Snape to show you how to whip up a Love Potion! And while you're at it, Professor Flitwick knows more about Entrancing Enchantments than any wizard I've ever met, the sly old dog!'  
Professor Flitwick buried his face in his hands. Snape was looking as though the first person to ask him for a Love Potion would be force-fed poison."

Potions Lesson No.2 –

'Double Potions with the Slytherins today', you mutter gloomily to your best friend Ron as both of you entered the dungeons.

Taking out your potions supplies & equipment, a sudden & impatient banging of doors announced the arrival of the Potions Master. A great amount of chatter & giggling roused (especially from the witches) and ran through the class as everyone discussed about the previous incident at lunchtime.

'All Right! A-L-L R-I-G-H-T!' barked Snape, shouting for silence. The commotion immediately died down. 

'Prior to today's class session, there happened the most unfortunate ding-bat brained announcement…' at this, he paused deliberately, scanning the crowd for gigglers, '…which I believe, impressed upon you on love potions & it'd be such a waste if we don't start today's lesson on it!'

A whoop of delight rang through the dungeons. You can't believe what you're hearing! It was as though Snape was handing out sweets!

A smirk spread across Snape's face, 'Well, here is what you need to mix up a LOVE potion as follows:

Two pounds of Griffin Blood,

A Unicorn horn, crushed

A monkshood plant

Lime Lice, three scoops

Three pounds of Lionfish Spine, grinded

And a single strain of your hair.'

'First, mix the crushed Unicorn horn with grinded Lionfish Spine in a mixing bowl. Keep on mixing till they become a very fine, yellow powder. With that done, add them into your cauldron. Pour in the Griffin Blood & stir your concoction in an anti-clock-wise manner till it reaches boiling point. Then, dump in the Lime Lice & stir for 20 minutes. After that, remove your cauldron from the fire & contain the finished potion in a flat-bottomed potion bottle. Before it is used, remember to add in the person's strain of hair whom you want your victim to fall for…'he said & added, '…unfortunately, I won't be providing you with Unicorn horn or Griffin Blood so you'd need your silver. For those of you who can't afford it, TOO BAD!'

A groan echoed from your friend (he's poor).

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'For your homework – ', Snape chortled with malice, '- you will have to make a love potion.'

Snape fished out from under his black robes, a heart shaped bottle of red liquid. 'This is a love potion I've just made.', he announced to the class.

'Make one of **these** & send them to me by owl no later then 15th Feb.'

'50 points will be awarded if you do your homework, however…' an evil grin flashed across his face, '…it will come at a price. To test if your potion is affective, I'll be dripping the contents of your potion all over the pumpkin juice of an opposite sex. Of course, you can't choose who.'

You sighed, knowing this lesson is too good to be true.

'Our next lesson will be on the 18th Feb. And no Miss Parkinson –' Snape retracted his goblet in alarm, '- you may NOT test it out on my pumpkin juice.'

'Class dismissed.'


	3. Potions Lesson No 3 New Chapter!:

A/N: Thanks to Quickjewel for reviewing! I will note to put lots and **lots **of '&'s this time round just so I can annoy you! Just Kidding! I will try to abstain from using too many '&'s. I'll also dedicate this one to you! (That is, if you bother to read this again) Double thanks to those of my classmates who reviewed, you know who you are! This time round I promise this one's going to be **REALLY **interesting because this chapter wasn't part of my homework for the guild. Now, on with the show!

It was dinnertime. The Great Hall as usual was swarming with hungry students waiting to be fed. You gulp as you sit down at the Gryffindor table. Oh my, the food sure looks tempting! Roast pork, prime beef; chocolate truffles… But you aren't going to risk your neck just because Snape said that he was going to dribble that love potion over the pumpkin juice, oh no you aren't. Besides, that slimy old snake could have put it in the food and you wouldn't even taste the difference, Snape had a knack for catching students unaware.

'Come on, Harry! The food tastes great, don't you want some?' your friend, Ron Weasely teased, scooping a lump full of jelly and holding it tantalisingly under your nose.

As the smell wafted towards you, your tummy chose that inappropriate moment to growl. You sigh, resigned to another night's fate of an empty stomach. Perhaps you should take a leaf out of Professor Moody's book and start eating your meals out of a flask…

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"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." 

- Terra, 10 years old.

Potions Lesson No. 3 – The trouble with Love… 

'Hurry up, Harry!' called Ron over his shoulder, hopping on the balls of his feet and looking terribly excited. Next up was Double Potions, the one class you'd been dreading all morning. But Ron seemed excited, funny, even anticipating for it… You decided that you'd better keep an eye on him, you don't know what else your ever-surprising friend could be up to. 

'50 points from Gryffindor, Potter!' roared Snape from the teacher's desk. You raised an eyebrow questioningly, not daring to look like you've been done some injustice. 

'That's for starving yourself, Mr. Potter. As everyone knows, you're quite wimpy enough without having to go on a diet,' Snape snickered, wagging a finger at you casually as one would to a naughty child, 'Now, don't give me that look, Potter. I'm only having your '**_welfare at heart_**'.' 

The class gasped at this announcement. They've been tricked! Everyone stared at each other, not quite knowing how to respond. Well **almost** everyone, except some who were looking glassy eyed and Ron who was radiating a most maniacal smile. And Hermione Granger, your other best friend was gazing most intently at Trevor the toad, sighing and fawning over him. Draco Malfoy was positively salivating at his own reflection while peering into a mirror and combing his beautiful locks, while Seamus Finnigan was er – fanning his eyelashes in your direction. You have a nudging feeling that Snape didn't exactly play by the rules of opposite sex when it came to you. 

'I have completed testing your love potions and I have never seen such incompetence! Tut, tut, tut…' though he couldn't quite hide a smug grin, 'All except for Mr. Malfoy here. Good job Mr. Malfoy, straight A. YOU Longbottom, got a D! You're a disgrace to the wizarding world! I presume you put in your toad's wart instead of your own? Hmm?' 

'Mr. Potter your potion, was surprisingly most effective. Although TOO effective in fact, so anyhow you got a D,' Snape rattled on and waved this development impatiently aside, 'Miss Granger got a B, Miss Parkinson got a B – even though it was as good as Mr. Malfoy's. Take that! That's for sending it to me on the guise of my morning coffee! Mr. Finnigan got a D because Potter here suddenly decided he likes to eat worms, oh well TOO BAD! And Weasely fails because he's too poor.' 

'Now, all of you might be wondering how I managed to force-feed you the potions. Oh no, you didn't think I could possibly be such an idiot as to pour it in your pumpkin juice did you? It was in the _chocolate truffles_ my dearies! What a genius I am! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!' 

You shake your head - pure evil, this man. You turn to Ron, who was giggling and grinning ever more broadly, 'Let's see who's laughing when it's crunch time!' 

YUCK!!! Trevor the toad had jumped onto your face and somehow secreted slime through his glands. Hermione was now pawing your face, muttering, 'His slime! His beautiful gorgeous slime!' 

'Err…Hermione geroff me! Look, if you gave Trevor a kiss, I'm sure he'll turn into a prince.' 

'Really? Thanks, Harry!' and off she went, hunting for Trevor. 

You had barely returned her with a, 'No problem!' when the dungeon door swung open on its hinges abruptly and revealed an astonishing sight – (drum-roll please) 

'Sevviekins darling! Sweetie, come to mama!' Professor McGonagall was dressed in the most ludicrous revealing tartan negligee topped with a green furry shawl (A/N: Is it called shawl? You know the furry material that drag queens have round their shoulders.) draped around her shoulders. She was posing seductively at the doorway, one hand on hips and the other twirling her hair playfully. Indeed, she was one hot chilli mama! 

Ron, on the other hand, was in hysterics, practically hyperventilating. This was when you got it! Someone had somehow fed Professor McGonagall with a love potion that has Snape's DNA in it! No wonder Ron had been so eager! No doubt, his brothers had a part to play in this! 

Professor McGonagall rushed towards Snape and pounced onto him from behind, giving him an even harder squeeze. 

'ACCCKKKKK!!!' cried Snape, choking from the strain, arms flailing wildly, 'Get off me Minerva, you witch!' he yelled to no avail. 

'Oh Severus! What shall we do first? I know there's this really fabulous concert put up by the Weird Sisters! Or shall we have a romantic candlelight dinner by the fireplace? Or do you want to **_get it on _**first? * giggle *' 

'No, I certainly don't want to _get it on_ with **you **of all people! No seriously, Minerva, stop unbuttoning my robes! Aarrrgggghhhh!!!! Stop it! It's embarrassing! **NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**' 

Snape's hands clawed the doorframe in a last minute attempt to disengage himself from Professor McGonagall as she dragged him away, 'You'll get it Weasely, you and your filthy friend!!!!' Unfortunately, as predicted, it didn't work. 

'**CLASS – ARRGH! D-DISMISSED!!!**' 

A/N: The quote from Terra who is 10 years old is from lovequote.com. 

He! He! J I thought I might try something different this time! So there you go, tell me what you think of this story by reviewing. You know, this story might be free of charge but I think you ought to have at least some conscience to review this as a form of payment. All things in this world are not free, Mister! And if you would like to criticise, please give constructive criticism like Quickjewel did, not something like, 'you suck!' 


	4. Potions Lesson No 4 Sometimes, the truth...

A/N: WHOOOHOOOO!!!!! 12 reviews and I'm over the moon! Ecstatic, elated, excited – I can't deny my ecstasy! Though I can't help but congratulate myself on my hard work. Hey! It paid off having to drag friends to read my fanfictions. Now I hope to convert them to J.K Singaporeans worshippers, (and perhaps Snape/McGonagall SHIPPERS) at least that's what I want to achieve. I would like to thank Maziah, Reka, Anusha, Shu Yuan, Xu Mei, Xian Hui, Chibiturtle, Anora, Kyra Invictus Black and Sister Rei for reviewing! I'll dedicate this chapter to all of you and I promise it'll only get wackier and more outrageous! You can't stop me muggle! I'm gonna brainwash all of you and convert all Harry Potter fans into Snape/McGonagall SHIPPERS! MWAHAHAHAHA! Just kidding! I love to kid around, so flame me – IF U DARE! ;P

'A hem!' Dumbledore raised his hands for attention, 'I would like to announce that a most unfortunate incident happened today involving two of our staff members who got themselves erm – **_entangled _**due to a magical misfortune. As all of you would have noticed, the two involved are Professors Snape and McGonagall. And due to their current situation, I'm afraid they're unable to teach for approximately a _week_.'

_YES!!!!_ You can't believe your luck! This has got to be a dream! No damn Potions for _a week_, and certainly no dull Transfiguration lessons to attend and listen to McGonagall drone on and on and on… But then with McGonagall's current condition, you highly doubt she'll be boring. Perhaps if they could just let her resume teaching, she might liven classes up by performing a striptease…

'Hey, Harry!' called Fred and George Weasely, 'Guess what? **We** set that scene up and got away with it! Aren't we brilliant? People will be talking about this one for years, dude! I'm positive this event will go down in "_Hogwarts: a history"_!'

'What **we**?' asked Ron, hurt.

'Err, well yeah,' said George, whacking his little brother on the back reassuringly, 'Icky Ronniekins here had a part to play too. Anyway, Peeves is jealous that we pulled this one and outsmart him, he's kind of hurt that we didn't let him in. Just don't tell him we'd be hiding in the kitchens, okay?' And off the "_Malicious Mischief Makers_" went, skipping along the corridors pulling girls' pigtails.

Here, both of you decided to pay your professors a little visit. You pushed open the door to the hospital wing and stepped inside. Almost as soon as you set foot, the white matron swooped and descended upon you, 'What are both of you doing here, hmm? Shouldn't you be in bed?'

'Of course we should! Come on, Ron! We should make ourselves scarce lest we disturb our **favourite** professors' beauty sleep,' you said sarcastically. Missing the sarcasm, Madam Pomfrey promptly led you and Ron into their ward, though a little disgruntled, muttering something about Albus allowing visiting times for Professor McGonagall to be extended for his "personal usage".

There, on two identical starched beds lay professors Snape and McGonagall. Actually, it was McGonagall on top of Snape clinging onto him like a koala bear really, but anyway you were glad he was in an uncomfortable, tormenting position.

Madam Pomfrey sighed and shook her head, 'Really! I've never seen such a potent love potion! 7 DNA strands added, plus an "Obsessed Fan" bewitchment charm, nothing I can't fix though, but I'm afraid the damage has been done – the victim will be scarred for life!' she added dramatically, indicating Snape. Both of you gasped!

'Ewwwwww…' Ron gagged, echoing your sentiments, 'Snape getting harassed is one thing, but Snape **losing his virgin** is simply - **_horrid_**!'

'No, no, you silly!' exclaimed Madam Pomfrey in a hurry, 'It's just that umm…well I'm not supposed to say!' You whined, begging her to spill the beans.

'Okay, okay. It's just that he umm…let's just say he hurt himself where he shouldn't while struggling,' she cast her eyes downwards apparently indicating something.

'Where?' you ask, deciding to play thick.

'There!' she screeched, casting her eyes down again trying to convey using body language.

'I don't know what you mean, where?'

'Down there! His P - ' she had turned a hue of crimson.

'If you're not intending in speaking clearly, I won't understand you!'

'**HIS PENIS, FOR GOD'S SAKE! HIS PENIS! NOW CLEAR OFF BEFORE I JAM THIS UP YOUR NOSE!**' she shouted, waving a spoonful of medicine she'd been holding threateningly, but stuck it gruffly into a sulking Severus' mouth all the same.

'_Don't think I didn't here you, Potter!'_ a voice resembling Professor Flitwick's squeaked. You started and located the source of the voice – Snape. You wanted to howl with laughter then, but Madam Pomfrey brandished her spoon again and you quickly hurried out with Ron, giggling uncontrollably.

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Potions Lesson No. 4 – Sometimes, the truth hurts…

'Harry!' moaned Hermione, knees quacking under the heavy load, 'Would you please utilise the two lumps you call legs to walk?' Double potions first thing in the morning and a week had past. Mostly, meaning Snape was back and you'd been really dreading what he'll do to you especially after that "visit". So you'd literally let yourself be dragged by Ron and Hermione to the dungeons.

'**WELL, WELL, WELL…**' boomed Snape, as soon as your friends plopped you into a chair. It was evident that he'd been cured, 'Well, I'd been thinking over our past lessons during my absence and I think this class should be quite ready for a **_hands-on experience_**.'

The whole class started to fidget nervously, especially you. You don't know why but you suddenly felt hot.

'Instead of just learning about the effects of Veritaserum, we should **test** it shouldn't we?' Snape withdrew from his robes a vial of clear Veritaserum and shook its contents teasingly, 'Who would like to be our test subject first?' No one responded as Snape poured small amounts of it into two-dozen or so goblets of pumpkin juice he had magicked out of thin air.

'You then, Potter,' he pointed a sprawling finger at you, 'Drink this. The rest of you, take a goblet each and down it!' The class passed the goblets around and drank it reluctantly. You too, had no choice but to follow suit. Your insides squirmed, what if you revealed Ron, Fred and George? Not to mention your innermost secrets?

Finally, when everyone had drank finished, Snape whipped around and faced you, 'So, Mr. Potter were you the one who gave Minerva * cough * I mean, Professor McGonagall the love potion?' Pansy giggled. Snape always referred to his colleagues formally while talking to students. _Odd. _

'Sorry, but I don't know who "Minerva * cough * I mean, Professor McGonagall" is,' you answered blankly, the potion taking effect.

Snape sighed exasperatedly and slapped his forehead. 'I repeat, were you the one who gave Professor McGonagall the love potion?'

'No, though I thought it served you right, you slimy git! And I wished I could use it freely so I can feed some to Cho Chang.' You could have kicked yourself.

'W- what? Harry likes Cho Chang?' exclaimed Pansy in bewilderment. Ron opened his mouth to say something like, 'Shut up!' but returned her with a, 'Didn't you know, duh!'

'Next, Longbottom. What is your deepest innermost secret?'

'Are we really suppose to drink this?' squeaked Neville holding up his still full goblet.

'**What??** You haven't drunk it? Yes, of course!' cried Snape, livid.

'Aren't you drinking it too? You said **everybody**.'

'Except me!' cried Snape, 'Now Longbottom, if you ask me one more question, I promise I'd personally shrink Trevor and feed him to Fang!'

'No fair!' Neville pouted but shuddered at the thought. He obeyed and drank it up. 'So tell me, Neville. What is your deepest innermost secret?'

'I'm most terrified of you.'

'Figures,' sneered Snape, 'Next! Miss Granger, what is your deepest innermost secret?'

'I have successfully led the house-elves in rebellion! My S.P.E.W has taken the first steps of liberating house-elves and I'm proud to say the rebellion would commence today at 9:30am!'

'Spew?'

'It's **S.P.E.W** and it's the Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare to you, Mister. In case you don't know, they should be enacting their rebellion right about now!'

Snape snorted, 'Tut! Tut! Looks like the very brightest are also delusional! Mr Weasely, what is your innermost secret?'

Again, Ron opened his mouth to say _Nothing!_ But ended up saying, 'I had a part to play in Fred and George's prank on you and McGonagall!'

'Oh is it?' Snape's voice was soft and dangerous now, '_And pray where are Masters Fred and George Weasely?_' You held your breath. Don't say it, Ron! Don't say it!

'They're hiding in the kitchens avoiding Peeves who wants a piece of them too.' Oops!

Too late. Snape had stormed towards the kitchens in search of the Weasleys! You hurried in his wake, along with Ron, Hermione and the rest of the class. He reaches the kitchen and tickles the pear in the portrait, opening the entrance when suddenly -

**WHAM!!**

A cream pie had just whacked itself into the face of the Potions Master, hooked nose and all. After a few moments, Snape opened his eyes slowly, deliberating his scowl. Then he opened them fully and –

Snape had barely enough time to gasp in horror. At that precise moment where he opened his mouth to gap, a whole turkey zoomed straight at him and hit the bull's-eye when it stuffed itself into his mouth with the bone of the bird poking out like an arrow.

You stuck your head around him and an apple aimed you but whizzed past, nearly squashed your face. But that's beside the point. The most amazing sight met your eyes. **_House-elves._** Thousands upon thousands of them! Holding up tattered signboards that read "_S.P.E.W_", "_Gimme my money's worth or I'll give you what I've got_!" or "_Wizards are a load of tosh!_" They were engaged in what appeared to be havoc wrecking and were chanting liberation stuff and looking pissed. Then you grinned. Fred and George Weasely, along with Peeves the Poltergeist were rallying the house-elves up; all three had S.P.E.W badges pinned to their chest.

'You're not kidding?!' cried Ron to Hermione, half exasperated, half admiring.

'House-elves and house-elvesses, elflings and elflingses! Do you notice that big black oaf there? Well he - is a wizard! We must attack him! But the others are our friends! They want to liberate us! But this – this SCUM's desire is nothing more than to enslave us! Forward my brothers!' Fred was jumping up and down on the kitchen table like some political candidate.

The house-elves sprung at Snape at once in unison. They tossed him around, kicking and tossing him from one end of the room to the other like a human football. The way Snape was moving, you thought it was most reminiscent to the time when you'd try to fly your bucking broomstick.

'**PAT NI DOON! PAT NI DOWN**' Snape choked, his body being pumped like a rag doll.

'Thought you'd never ask,' said George, signalling to the elves to stop. They stopped, rather abruptly though, and Snape who was dangling by his cloak off a signboard plonked to the ground. Snape yelled as he landed onto his bum. His robe burst open, revealing his chest and the top of his green snake covered boxers. Not very graceful, I know. Before he could regain his composure though, Fred yelled '_Wingardium Leviosa!_' and levitated a watermelon and let go – 

**BAM!!! SPLAT!!! **

So that it covered Snape's head, which was weird enough without the turkey sticking out of his mouth! 

'**YUDGEWTIDWEEDFY!**' Snape attempted to curse, but he's voice was muffled by the turkey and the watermelon covering his head.

Ah, well! Why not end it for him? You inhale and shout, 'Class Dismissed!'

A/N: I just caught the Harry Potter PoA trailer on TV! YAYY!!! They showed Snape turning sharply around in one scene and I thought the way he did was cool! Sorry I keep tormenting him in this fic but I promise I'm gonna make his life better from now on! I also caught the scene in the trailer where the camera revolves around McGonagall eerily as though she's the main character and is having an adventure! Then there's the black hooked hand! Sirius Black's I presume? It was creepy! It clawed the doorframe like Snape's did in my fic! Sirius Black was cute, he kept growling in the WANTED posters posted round Hogsmead. Then there was this choir of Hogwarts students who sang in the background and the trailer ended powerfully by showing them at the end and BOOM! The Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban logo came up! Bye for now!


	5. Potions Lesson No 5 A Comedy of Errors

A/N: I'm extremely sorry that some of you didn't like my last chapter, but I really promised that Snape's life would pick up from now on! Cause it's payback time! shudders Just don't tell Snape I'm hiding in Afghanistan, will you? Arwen Rayne, please give me a chance to redeem myself! Pretty please! Okay, okay, I'll dedicate this one to you! Thank you Lady Lostris and Mariel1337 for reviewing! My gracious thanks to Kyra Invictus Black for reviewing again! I'll dedicate this chapter to all of you too! Really Arwen, the purpose of tormenting Snape is just a plot to lead the story onto something better for Severus! Enjoy! A hint of SS/MM, AD/ST and CF/DU

'Thank Merlin the summer hols are fast approaching! That was the 699th one gone to pieces!' exclaimed your best buddy Ron, who had just stepped out of a disastrous lesson tutoring Neville Longbottom potions. No wonder, I mean, look at his hair! It would have gone well at a punk concert, it's just that soot black isn't really **IN** this summer.

Snape had been in a murderous and foul mood after Madam Pomfrey came and claimed what's left of him in a snuffbox after the _"House-elf Rebellion"_ and promptly served out detentions each for the three Weasleys and Peeves? Nevertheless to say, Peeves was _peeved_ that he was the first ghost in the history of Hogwarts to be handed a detention slip. Except, the detentions were unique to say the least, though terrible just the same. Ron, Fred and George were ordered to give Neville three potions tuitions a week for the whole year while Peeves received a probation order to play practical jokes and sent to Filch as a janitor assistant. Now, I think you can possibly imagine tutoring someone who keeps blowing cauldrons up in your face or working for someone who keeps breathing down your neck and bossing you around. ("March two three four! Hurry up, Peeves! My Great-great-great-great grandmother can pass through walls faster than you!")

'A house-elf rebellion!' roared Cornelius Fudge, 'Preposterous! Never, in all my years as Minister for Magic! Now, see here Dumbledore…' You look around, Fudge together with Dolores Umbridge were waddling in the wake of Professor Dumbledore locked in intense argument.

'As long as I am Minister of Magic, I deem that you shall not pay those house-elves wages!' Fudge cried and leapt to his full height, waving his index finger in the air authoritatively.

'Cornelius, please understand. You know very well that Hogwarts, or any other wizard establishment for that fact, cannot function without house-elves! And where am I going to find so many house-elves to replace the current batch in such short notice? Actually, Cornelius, house-elves have been misused and underprivileged for centuries. I think it's time we gave them what their credited for!' Dumbledore reasoned as though he were talking to a very slow child.

'**_What!_**' Fudge exclaimed incredulously, wide-eyed and appalled. Meanwhile, Umbridge, who was standing behind Dumbledore, was pointing her stubby finger towards her temple and circling it round and round while mouthing to Fudge something about "_Koo Koo _".

'My sincerest apologies Dumbledore, but I'm afraid we'll be remaining here to help close the case on this outrageous revolt! Don't worry, we'll help you find a way round, and possibly much more _suitable_ sla- I mean house-elves!' Umbridge simpered, grabbing hold of Fudge's arm, 'Now, if you'll excuse us Dumbledore, we have a most _private_ business to attend to.'

As Umbridge dragged a whimpering Fudge ("Do we have to?") mercilessly along, you thought you distinctly heard Umbridge muttering in that sickly sweet voice of hers, 'Thank goodness we're rid of that twit! I say, it's no use wasting our energy on a clearly pointless debate with him when we can waste it on making "**_pumpkin pie". _**Now we'll just have to find an empty classroom, Fudgey dear! Severus just brewed me a most highly effective concoction! It's supposed to improve my _performance_…'

'Eurghhh…' Ron retched looking disgusted, 'First, Neville. Now, this! I didn't know Fudge had a thing for toads! Maybe he and Neville should meet up some day!'

A few seconds later, after the ministry duo entered a nearby classroom, a horrible screech - no it was more like a banshee singing, resounded and reverberated off the walls of the castle. '**SEVERUS SNAPE! YOU ASS! COME HERE AND SHOW YOURSELF!**'

**CRACK!**

Suddenly, thousands of glass splinters decided to rain upon you and Ron. Ducking, you gaze upwards – a high gothic window had shattered into smithereens.

'Come on, Ron,' you motioned towards your buddy, 'I think we better scram, Double Potions, next!'

Potions Lesson No.5 – A Comedy of Errors. Or What You Will…

'_Good morning my lovelies!_' the falsely cheerful voice of Snape enthused, much to your chagrin. You cringed at the sound as Snape eyed you and Ron balefully. Hopefully, he would forget that ignominious calamity; otherwise, it will be wise to avoid Snape as much as possible. Ever since that calamity, it was noticed that Snape's mood swung unpredictably and he could be as finicky and mercurial as the weather – a while calm, boisterous than all of a sudden subdued again. Too subdued in fact…

'Good _morning_, Professor!' the class chanted, hardly daring to breathe.

'Well, settle down! Today, we shall begin on one of the more complex potions – Animal Transformation Potion. Or ATP for short, it transforms the user into an animal he or she resembles most for a week upon execution of a special command. The user will stay thus unless the command is triggered again. Today, I have enlisted the aid of your illustrious Deputy Head Mistress to right your awry Transfiguration experiments – which I'm sure many of you will be brewing. It is essentially, a precarious concoction, thus I warn anyone with intentions of fooling around that you might remain in a perpetual animal state if Min – Professor McGonagall decides.' Snape coughed nervously, realising he had just been informal while addressing his colleague to the students. Beneath you, you felt the bench creak as precocious Hermione poised herself, raring to prove that she will not muck up her experiment.

'However, Professor McGonagall is a little caught up meanwhile in some affair or another, so I suggest we proceed - '

**BANG!**

The dungeon door buckled violently and swung on its hinges at that moment, admitting a seething Umbridge…Marching forth brusquely, she pounced on Snape and grabbed him by the collar, pulling him towards her. Every inch of her pouchy countenance contorted with livid fury, she bridled and spat venomously, '**YOU ASS! WHAT THE HECK DID YOU SLIP ME?**'

Many an intrepid men were known to have cowered under her assault, but not Snape. Who was she anyway to command him on a whim? She was but a pouchy gargantuan toad who had the minister twisted around her stubby fingers, but surely she couldn't ruin his career? After all, Dumbledore would have thanked him for getting back at Umbridge. It's not like Dumbledore is under her spell, right? _Right!_

'**SEVERUS SNAPE! HOW COULD YOU? AFTER ALL I'VE DONE FOR YOU!**' a familiar majestic voice echoed through the dungeon. It was Dumbledore. You had never seen him this furious and grave before. You look on, astonished as the look the headmaster gave Snape pained him so much that he, the resident terror, actually quivered in his shoes.

'How could you Severus? How could you do this to me?' moaned Dumbledore, sweeping into the class like a raging tempest.

'What do you mean I did something headmaster? The only thing I've ever done is give Umbridge an ATP instead of an Aphrodisiac Potion!' cried Snape wriggling in Umbridge's grasp.

'AH HA!' cried Umbridge triumphantly, 'So you've finally admitted to your crime!'

'Yes, but I've done the headmaster no wrong!' Snape whined.

'Oh is it? Tell me, Severus. Doubtless as your potion skills are, ATPs are still unachievable without a fantastic ability in Transfiguration… Am I right in saying that Minerva assisted you willingly in the making of the potion?' asked Umbridge. Snape nodded in reply.

'_Willingly? – Fascinating!_' Umbridge pointedly added, slyly lacing her sarcasm.

Comprehending her meaning, Snape quickly retorted, 'Willingly as in everyone knows she dislikes you!'

'Pah! Don't listen to his nonsense Albus! He is clearly trying to advert you from the fact that he is snogging your beloved!'

'Am not! Clearly headmaster, you know me better than that! After all these years, do you take the word of an obnoxious toad over mine?' cried Snape, a pleading note in his voice.

'Oh Ho! – Indeed, Albus knows _you_ well enough to judge for himself. Your lies are baseless and hollow! Full of Balderdash!'

'Like your head?'

'Chortle all you want Severus, but I have solid evidence that you and Minerva are to dance the Tango in Goblet of Fire! _Hmmm…_I believe both of you have been communing for lessons ever since? Apparently you are rusty without practice, _or so you say_,' Umbridge consulted a list of parchment that had appeared in her hands out of thin air.

'What about me? Who's my dance partner?' asked Dumbledore, anxiously bending over to peek at the list.

'Well, according to the Yule Ball scene list, you are to be paired off with a number of women. Minerva was originally slated to dance with Ludo, but he lost a bet…' here, her gaze wandered over to Snape and she fixed him a meaningful eye, 'Anyway, yours is waltz with Sprout, foxtrot with Maxime, "Funky Chicken" with Sinistra.'

'But I thought Jo said the scenes would go according to the book? Who's my tango partner by the way?' Dumbledore began perusing the list ardently.

'Sybill.'

Dumbledore nearly tripped.

Umbridge steadied Dumbledore with her pudgy hands muttering, 'It's not really Jo's fault Albus, like I said he black- did us all in.'

'Do not malign me you obsequious wart! Here, while you're at it, you might as well lick his shoes!'

'ENOUGH!' Dumbledore bellowed, raising his arms authoritatively for silence, his whole being seemed to be radiating phosphorescence white. He turned solemnly towards Severus and glowered at him. It was the sort of disappointed stare that made you feel ever the more terrible and guilty. For a moment, you thought Dumbledore was about to hit Snape, but then he merely lifted his wand and said, 'Severus, I challenge you to a duel to the finish. Whosoever wins shall have the maiden's hand or else _ulp_.'

You couldn't believe what you had just heard! Hermione had said before that it was the official customary words to use if you wanted to challenge someone to a **serious **wizard's duel. The blunt peremptory knowledge that Professor Dumbledore was challenging Snape numbed you so much that you remained motionless in your seat, petrified. Beside you, a sharp intake of breath could be heard as well as a grabbing of robes and a 'Sod off!' from Ron.

At this point, several things happened at once, which to the untrained mind could have easily been muddled by the overlaying sequences. Firstly, Snape was so overwrought by the prospect of actually duelling with a powerful wizard like Dumbledore that he began jabbering, getting shriller by the moment in his panic. No doubt offering some conciliatory words to the inexorable Dumbledore. ('Venerable-benignant-sir-surely-hath-not-a-callous-heart?') The dungeon door was thrown wide again, and out sallied a melee of teachers, trailing a ditzy Trelawney who was bent over a teacup looking utterly like a geomancer. Finally, a large pompous beetle decided to land on Ron's nose, triggering an earth-shattering "**ACHOOO!**" and a very indignant look from a ruffled critter.

'Are we there yet? It's past our repast,' someone protested irritably.

'O Merlin!' gasped Professor Flitwick, who despite his height, spotted the unfolding trouble first, 'What's going on?'

'Aha! What did my tealeaves portend? Give it up Minerva! I have the sight! And before I drift off with yet another vision, you owe me 50 sickles,' Trelawney's ethereal voice floated in as she extended a cupped hand under McGonagall's nose, plastering a smug little face on as she did so.

'That was just pure coincidence, Sybill. Anyway your so-called "litany of disasters at 12 o'clock" is hardly accurate. It is already half past twelve and obviously, "_disasters_" is too vague a definition,' McGonagall retorted primly, though a little miffed that Trelawney should be proven right for once even if it _was_ shoddy prediction.

'**_STUPEFY!_**'

The jet of red light flew over Snape's shoulder and hit a glass-fronted cabinet filled with an assortment of pickled creatures, narrowly missing his head. Following which, several jars of writhing tentacles exploded, spewing it contents on nearby students whilst bottles of hazardous looking poisons combusted over a Bunsen burner near where Snape's hand had been had he dawdled a second later.

'Are you trying to hex me into oblivion old man?' cried Snape, hurrying to keep up with Dumbledore's pace. '_Accio Potions!_'

Potion bottles lining the shelves zoomed to Snape's bidding than changed course and bounded towards Dumbledore.

'Amusing playground we have here, eh Severus?' replied Dumbledore coldly, deflecting a chain of curses and disarming charms as well as the rouge bottles headed his way, shattering them in mid-flight.

Snape hardly had time to answer because at that precise moment, he made contact with a spell and his head instantaneously sprouted feelers. You wanted to mock his highly unusual appearance, but immediately suppressed the urge as a couple of stray spells launched themselves towards the seated class, inducing several shrieks and scuffles as the students attempted to dislodge themselves from harms way. The resultant _crash_ etched numerous semi-spherical craters on the dungeon floor. Dumbledore and Snape lurched past, duelling so fiercely that by this time, their wands were blurs. Amidst the catastrophe, you hurriedly pull your best friends aside. It would be wise to observe the emerging spectacle from a safe corner.

'What in the name of Merlin are you two boys doing!' shouted McGonagall over the din, looking highly disconcerted, 'By the way Severus, I thought you were conducting the ATP class? What happened while I was away?'

'Dumbledore-,' Snape dodged a spell, 'got- _pant_ -jealous-,' Snape dodged a catapulting broomstick, '-of- _ARG!_ –us.' At this point, Snape launched a fluke spell, which sailed waveringly and hit a cauldron – Neville's cauldron to be precise.

'Oh, no.'

**_BOOM!_**

Luckily, it was only a mini eruption causing the contents to spew forth and slather only Snape and Dumbledore who both happened to be in its targeted vicinity. They appeared to be covered in what can be best described as lemon-coloured puce.

'Good thinking, Severus,' muttered Dumbledore wryly whilst McGonagall '_Scourgify!_'-ed them and magicked Severus' feelers off. Meanwhile, you notice Umbridge creeping cautiously towards the dungeon doors…

'What is the meaning of this, Albus?' McGonagall asked, raising an eyebrow in query, 'I am appalled by your violent and savage behaviour towards Severus! That is highly unlike you!'

'You are having an affair with Severus,' Dumbledore replied tersely, a touch of asperity in his voice.

'Oooo!' cried Sybill dramatically, 'Adultery! It clouds the inner eye!'

'_Gasp!_ **What!** Albus, I was never yours! Neither am I Severus'. It is all on your wishful thinking!'

'You're telling me that you and Severus are not an item? What about the Tango then?'

'Nothing transpired between us! I maintain a professional and platonic relationship with my colleagues at all times!' McGonagall declared, although her cheeks displayed otherwise - a suspicious suffusing of pink was creeping through.

**POOF!**

Suddenly, the pompous beetle that had sat on Ron's nose morphed and out came Rita Skeeter, re-employed journalist on the _Daily Prophet_ after her amazing coverage article on Harry in the _Quibbler_. Her elaborate blonde curls; scarlet two-inch talons and jewelled winged glasses were back, along with the crocodile-skin handbag and the infamous acid-green _Quick-Quotes Quill_. Except that she was sitting on a rather startled Ron's lap.

'Oh, sorry dear,' Rita hopped off Ron, throwing him an apologetic smile as she sucked her Quick Quotes Quill, poising it at the ready on a piece of parchment. Rita sauntered over to Dumbledore, lowering her glasses and subjecting him to a rapturous enquiring tone typical of all tabloid journalists, 'How has the revelation of your most trusted aides falling in love made you feel, Dumbledore? Betrayed? Distraught? Livid!'

Rita turned on McGonagall, staring at her avidly, 'Professor McGonagall, is it true that you are two-timing the Head and the potions master? What are your feelings now that your ploy has been uncovered?' For the first time in your life, you actually witnessed Professor McGonagall speechless, the rasping sound dying in her throat.

'_Rita!_' said Hermione warningly.

'Your terms don't extend to your professors, Miss Granger. No, it doesn't. So you can't do anything or I'll have my lawyers over,' sneered Rita.

'Hey! Where do you think you're going?' you started after Umbridge who was silently slipping away from the scene. In your haste you tripped, spiralling forwards…

'ARGHHHHH! _SMOOCH! _' Your lips made contact with Umbridge's repulsive skin. The room fell into a horrific silence.

'**ribit!' **A most atrocious sight met your eyes – Umbridge had transformed into a squat, flabby- faced toad! So, that was what the screeching earlier on had been about! However, everyone was momentarily distracted from your little accident by the yelp of surprise Dumbledore gave. A distinct change in his physical appearance was noticeable, and you thought, as you gaze upon him, you saw somewhat of a- curvy figure? Most feminine, indeed.

The class exploded in mirthful delight! Snape prodded the headmaster and looked on the verge of hyperventilating though he caught himself immediately when he noticed sharp fangs burgeoning from his mouth and the disturbing way Dumbledore was blushing.

'Looks like you loved a vampire, Minerva,' commented Sybill, singing happily at this outrageous catastrophe.

'Better than loving a woman,' said McGonagall crisply, bristling in indignant embarrassment as Rita clamoured around the victims, firing all of the professors embroiled in the case with questions. (Do you know exactly What Women Want now, Dumbledore? Mr. Snape, do you really have vampire in your lineage or is this simply a result of Mr. Longbottom's potion?) Meanwhile, you dangle the toad by its leg, holding it up as you wrinkle your nose in disgust.

'Erm…Frog stew, anyone?'

A/N: Ok, I know it took a really long time for me to finish this one. But I was, yes, getting a bit sick of fluff and fanfiction. I might continue this fluff. (Exploring Dumbledore's currently weird sexual state and the SS/MM, AD/ST ships.) Half-blood Prince is coming out soon…Wish everyone luck in their fantasized ships! (The series is ending!)


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